Friday, January 22, 2010

Squirrel Mind

I had some Squirrel Mind this morning. I've been paying attention to what I eat for about 6 months, and tracking my calories(which I do as an exposure by reminding myself I'll never have the exact accurate number of calories accounted for). This morning I was down 2 pounds, and Squirrel Mind flared--What if this means I've got cancer? What if something is wrong with me? This feels dangerous, therefore it must be.

I had a bout of major Squirrel Mind about 6 years ago. I read a book on factory farming, and was so haunted by scary images that I decided to become vegan, and also give up sugar at the same time. I started losing weight, and everytime I got on the scale, the Squirrel would start twitching. I could tell myself logically that I had changed my diet drastically, and it made sense that I was losing weight, but the Squirrel thought "Involuntary weight loss, illness, death."

Have you ever seen a squirrel dart out in front of your car, stop just out harm's way, and then spin around, run back in front of your car? This is standard squirrel behavior--major indecision in the middle of giant barrelling vehicles.

My ERP therapist likes to remind me that yes, I could have cancer, but my best guess is that I don't. No human gets more than a "best guess." OCD would like absolute certainty that I don't have cancer, and that I will never get, and I will erode much of the life I do have trying to get that certainty by fixating on getting that certainty.

1 comment:

  1. I'm vegan. I have OCD. I love your posts. I'm glad I found this, because I'm struggling.