Thursday, January 14, 2010

OCD and Living in my Head



I tend to go awry on new projects. The OCD is opportunistic and latches onto anything new with leech-like vigor. My intention was to find an avatar for this blog and several hours later I was past the time I needed to leave my computer, looking for an image that "felt just right."

Perhaps you have had this experience of not feeling finished, even if you can't articulate exactly what finished would mean.

OCD is seductive and says, "Just search another minute, or 15 minutes, or until the top of the hour or until you've looked at every single link in a list. . ." and before you know it, you are oblivious to your life, and completely in your head.

I did find an illustration. I still had misgivings, but just enough self-awareness to know that it would be good exposure for me to go with it in spite of this. It is an etching by George Cruikshank from a series he did of human capabilities, in this case ironically illustrated by a snail. Inhabitiveness resonated when thinking of the old habits I inhabit, like compulsive researching. My fingers are itching to do some major research of who this author was, and etymology of the word, but for this blog to be about Exposure Therapy, I am practicing just writing.

OCD steals the present moment. I had no real sense of what was going on around me while I searched for an image. I was firmly in my head. I'd like to move into the rest of my body. The snail at times also seems like my totem animal. I feel like I am moving very slowly in moving beyond OCD. But I am moving, and to acknowledge that is a big step.

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