OCD A to Z: H is For Hope

If there is one idea I would like my Exposing OCD blog to convey, it is that of hope.

Hope that OCD can be treated.

Hope that you can get better.

Hope that you can have a life.

I wasn't diagnosed with OCD until I was 33, and I didn't find a therapist who used Exposure Therapy(ERP) until I was 39. I've suffered with anxiety for much of my life. I had vivid imaginings of what could go wrong from age 8 or 9. I was monitoring my body for any changes in elementary school. I was intelligent, and assumed if I couldn't fix myself with that intelligence, then there was no hope for me.

It can be hard to find a therapist who is experienced in ERP. It can be hard to find a therapist who has even heard of ERP. It can take years to discover that what you suffer with is OCD, not a "fear of commitment" or "relationship issues" or "lack of confidence." But if you are reading this blog, you are a step closer to finding a way to deal with your OCD. Check out the IOCDF, or read Jonathan Grayson's Freedom From OCD, or seek out a support group.

If you can't feel hope, then borrow some of mine to get you through the journey of finding help, of doing exposures, facing your fears, or dealing with the unknown.

[Revisiting OCD A to Z from 2011]

Making a Decision to Share Hope: Janet Singer of ocdtalk and her book Overcoming OCD: A Journey to Recovery

I was updating my blogroll and discovered ocdtalk's book, Overcoming OCD: A Journey to Recovery, a chronicle of finding treatment for her son Dan's OCD, and being an advocate for OCD Awareness.

She mentions her book and her blog as two decisions she agonized over in her post OCD and Making Important Decisions.

Two of the most important decisions I’ve made over the past decade are starting this blog and writing my book. I truly agonized over both of them. Who am I to write about obsessive-compulsive disorder? I don’t even have the disorder! What could I contribute that would possibly be of any value? I’m no expert. All I have are my own thoughts and experiences to share. People will laugh, or even worse, criticize me. They’ll get angry. Of course, I could go on and on. I had no shortage of reasons why I shouldn’t write about my family’s experiences with OCD.

But even with all my  misgivings, I took the plunge. I had to. I owed it to myself and my son to try to find some meaning in his suffering from severe OCD. The results have gone way beyond my wildest dreams and in retrospect, my concerns about my “credentials” almost seem ludicrous. Being an expert is not what it’s about. My main goal, from the very beginning, has been to share our story so that others will find hope, and to spread the word that OCD, no matter how severe, is treatable.

She goes on to describe doubt being the cornerstone of OCD, and this describes much of my experience. Choosing to get treatment was very difficult for me because making any choice was enveloped in a cloud of doubts and compulsive researching. Calling for an appointment with an ERP therapist in 2006 took months of rehearsing what to say, and wondering if I was making a mistake, and of course, making phone calls is one of my most dreaded things anyway.

I do not regret making the decision to call, and the decision to persevere in treatment. Writing this blog was an exposure for me as well, and like Janet, I had doubts. Having OCD didn't make me feel "qualified" to write a blog, because I believed I had to write perfectly and with absolute certainty. Every post I published was a victory for my life over my OCD. Readers found me, and it was a relief to not be alone, and satisfying to be of help by sharing my story.

Anxiety in Creative Business: Tara Swiger and Encouragement that You Can Move Forward

This podcast on Depression and Anxiety in Creative Business from Tara Swiger caught my attention, and I wanted to write about it. Tara also sent this introduction to a follow up webinar:

Studies show that 1 in 5 adults deal with mental health issues at least once in their life.

And yet, there's so much shame and stigma about talking about this.And still, in the last few months dozens of students and friends have told me about their depression, anxiety, or struggles with their kids health.
I understand not everyone is called to talk about their experience publicly...but when we ALL stay quiet, the stigma grows strength. So today on the podcast, I'm getting honest.
You’re not alone in this.
You are NOT alone in struggling with this. And as I share, I want you to remember – whatever you’re struggling with, not only are you not alone, but you can also move forward WITH IT. Exactly as you are. People are doing it. You don’t have to be different, better, or “more together” to make a business thrive.

I have a creative business, and when I have anxiety, sometimes I come to a halt in the belief that I can't move forward WITH IT.  But the truth is I started creating art in the depths of my anxiety, and went on to start my Etsy shop in 2007 just a few months after I began Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy for my OCD.  The Exposure for me was to create the shop without knowing if it was "perfect" or the right photos, or the right descriptions, or whether anyone would ever want to buy anything. 

Tara describes how reading about intolerance of uncertainty resonated with her when thinking about her own anxiety, and this is a key theme of mine as well.  All those What If questions, the desire to know how things will turn out before they happen.

Struggling with manually creating Wordpress website for my business was the next step to realize I was compulsively researching how to do it, when in fact, I needed something simpler, and the anxiety of letting go of the idea that I needed to know how to do things before I knew how to do them.  

A turning point was at a craft show, when a woman spent a long time checking each of my items for the most "perfect" one.  The piece that the craft show customer liked the best wasn't the most flawless in her eyes, so she told me she was choosing another one that had no visible defect.  Talking with my ERP therapist, I recognized myself in this woman.  Shopping for anything would drag on because I couldn't decide if a "flaw" would mesmerize me forever or eventually fade, and I would get angry at myself for latching onto such tiny things.  

It was huge to know I was making imperfect art, but that I wanted to do it anyway.  That I did not want to walk away from something I truly loved, because it was flawed.  I now work full time in my creative business, and yes, when anxiety flares up it is difficult, but part of the difficulty is in believing that I must entirely banish the anxiety to accomplish anything, and that it is a sign that I am a "bad person" if I feel anxious. The underlying premise of Exposure Therapy is that you can move forward through the anxiety, that it is possible, and for this encouragement, I am grateful. 

 

Making Room for Your Life: TEDx Lincoln Talk with Khara Plicanic

I came across Kara Plicanic on Instagram.  She is a wedding photographer with a creative eye, and I was intrigued that she had done a TEDx talk called Anything is Possible ~ and That's the Problem.  Or is it? about her experience with OCD.

She recommends reading Jeff Bell, and I concur that he is an eloquent writer and speaker about facing OCD and making a life.

It helps to find kindred spirits who are artists as I am, and who have made room for their creative spirit amidst the crowding of OCD thoughts.

OC87: A Movie About Courage and Living Your Life in the Midst of OCD

My husband was away, and I was feeling anxious.  I've come a long way since the time I walked 7 miles around a lake in order to ward off the anxiety of being alone for a week, but I'd been having physical aches and pains in the weeks leading up to his leaving, and my OCD was stirring.

Feeling achy and anxious, I started searching for movies on Netflix.  This was my way of avoiding searching for the meaning of my symptoms, but still, compulsive and exhausting.  Working my way through the alphabet and the numbers, using the arrow keys to navigate to one letter at a time.

Then OC87: The Obessive Compulsive Major Depression Bipolar Aspberger's Movie came up.  I remembered hearing about it when it came out a couple years ago, but I hadn't seen it.  It was already midnight, but I started watching.

Bud Clayman majored in film in college, but thoughts that scared him, and depression infiltrated his life.   OC87 refers to 1987 when he built his life around attempting to control the world around him, and the thoughts within him.

I was moved by Bud Clayman's persistence in making this film about his life now, after 30 years of OCD, depression and Asperger's, which involved dealing with people, dealing with his intrusive thoughts, indecision, anger and grief.  I particularly liked the scene he wrote where he played both "Good Buddy" and "Bad Buddy" in a riff on a scene from Lost in Space.  Part of this is in the trailer for the movie, the Bad Buddy telling the Good Buddy that he isn't capable of living without him, but Bud Clayman is capable of living his dream, even with the spectre of OC87, in the midst of the imperfections.

What this film reminded me was that to spend the week trying to figure out if my symptoms were a physical problem, or whether it was OCD, and freezing myself into a block of worry was a manifestation of my illness, and not what I want in my life.  

In one scene, Bud asks a woman what films she likes, and she asks him the same question, and his answer is that Ordinary People is the best movie ever made.  He describes how OC87 evolved out of a desire to describe how therapy had helped him, how it was a safe place, and how Ordinary People resonated with him, in its depiction of therapy.

Ordinary People is one of my favorite films, and I hadn't expected it to come up in Bud Clayman's film. I saw it when I was 12 or 13, several times, mesmerized.  Netflix had it, and I watched it next.  I'll write more about that.

Have you seen OC87?

Finding Hope in the Midst of Anxiety and Obsessing: It IS Possible

Hope Mosaic by Exposure Woman

Awhile back, one of my readers asked if I would post some of my art.  This is an even bigger exposure than making a video about my OCD for my last post!  As I wrote in Your one wild and precious life, my love of art gives me strength for facing my OCD.  The joy I feel when making art is something that allowed me a glimmer of hope that my life could be my own, rather than in the thrall of OCD.

Hope means looking forward to something, and some suggest that it is related to hop, to leaping in expectation.

The first time I read an article by Jonathan Grayson about obsessing about obsessing, I felt a leap of hope that someone understood what I was experiencing, the angst that I would do something to trigger my obsessing, and trying to figure out if I really was obsessing.  Grayson believed that exposure therapy could work for obsessions of the mind.

Meeting my exposure therapist, Leonard, for the first time also made my heart leap with hope.  He was a worthy foe of my OCD.

None of these things meant I was certain I'd get better or that someone could help me or that I could do exposures and survive them.  OCD had been demanding I be certain for quite some time--certain I had OCD, certain I had the right therapist, certain I was doing my exposures correctly--and this eroded my hope in the guise of helping me.   If your OCD is anything like mine it may sound like this:

You don't have enough hope.  You'll never get better.  What are the signs of hope in your life?  Figure that out.  Do a search on the effects of hope on dealing with mental illness.   What is wrong with you? Why do you feel despair?  You'll never get better.  

Whoever you are, if you suffer with anxiety and the exhaustion of worries chasing each other, remember that there is hope.  It is possible to get better.  It is possible to claim your one wild and precious life.  You are not broken, irredeemable, beyond mending or repair or healing.  If you don't have hope, you can borrow some of mine.


H is for Hope