The snail in my last post made me think of another creature, the rabbit. I read the newsletter of the International OCD Foundation for 5 years, and though there were many accounts of ERP working, it always seemed to be for people who had physical rituals. Washing hands. Counting. Reciting Prayers. I didn't think I had any rituals. It was all thoughts going on in my head, just obsessions.Once I started working with an ERP therapist, I began to realize that one of the ways I tried to make obsessions go away was to freeze like a rabbit. If somehow I stay still enough, and avoid going on with my day, or my life, then I can make the anxiety go away. The very thought of carrying on sent a shot of of anxiety pumping through my veins.
This is where I ran into difficulty with Cognitive Behavioral strategies. I joined an anxiety support group in graduate school, and the psychologist in charge introduced us to ways our thoughts can be distorted, like "all or nothing thinking," or "emotional reasoning." We were to fill out worksheets identifying our thoughts and disputing them. At first this was a relief to know there were others who had similar ways of thought, that I wasn't completely alone in this, and that perhaps being able to label the thoughts would help them go away.
But as with much in OCD, this wasn't enough. It was as if I needed to freeze like the rabbit, hoping to fool the predator. I would fill out my worksheet, get a moment of relief and then try to hold my thoughts still and prevent them from spiraling out again into anxiety. OCD wanted absolute certainty that a feared consequence won't happen. Even the slightest chance of a catastrophe and the OCD wanted to gnaw at it and figure it out, and my goal was to prevent this exhausting process from happening, compounded by an OCD perfectionism that demanded I dispute the thoughts "perfectly" and got into an existential debate about which thought to start with and making sure I got every single one.
Related Post:
Ritualizing in my Head: Retracing
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This hits home like very little I've read out there about the way my mind works. Your blog has brought me to tears. We are, unfortunately, kindred spirits. Thank you for putting yourself out there. It means the world.
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ReplyDeleteThank you so much for commenting! It means a lot to me that I have been able to describe my experience in a way that resonates with yours, and helps you (and I) feel less alone. I'm so sorry you have suffered with this kind of storm of anxiety. I hope you will keep reading and commenting.
I just found this blog and I can't thank you enough for all this. This is the first time I've ever read an experience that makes me feel like I'm not alone in the type of ritualizing, compulsions, or obsessing that I do. Your experience resonates so closely with mine, I can't tell you what a relief it is to not feel completely alone in this. I'm sorry you know what this feels like, but your blog has been a source of light for me just now.
ReplyDeleteWelcome! I haven't checked in for awhile, and just came across your comment. It has always been my hope that my blog would help others feel less alone.
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