Sunday, May 17, 2015

Five Years of Exposing OCD

Dream by Nutmeg Designs

The other night I had a dream that I was filling out a survey and the man across the table said he couldn't do it, that he was overwhelmed with deciding what to answer.  I leaned over and suggested that he guess.  Immediately, I realized that this would sound "easier said than done," and I made the decision to tell him that I knew it was difficult when obsessing to guess.  

I felt both anxious that I was telling him I knew what it was like to have OCD, and relieved.  I woke up with still imbued with both feelings.

When I started this blog in 2010, it was an exposure to the anxiety that I would write the wrong thing. I guessed what to say.  It sounds odd to say I guessed, but that's what it felt like, because anything less than perfection felt incredibly unmoored and tentative.  The community of readers, and other bloggers was sustaining when I struggled with pervasiveness of my OCD.  There is power in being able to articulate an experience, and strength in finding others who resonate with that experience.

I wrote this blog anonymously, because I couldn't imagine writing it any other way.  Lately, I haven't been writing the blog at all.  I am not sure where this blog is headed, but I know that the archives continue to speak to readers, and I am glad to be able to offer those as a trail marker.

I have been percolating about how my blog connects with the rest of my life, without the urgency of obsessive figuring out.  This feels both odd and good.

1 comment:

  1. Wherever the blogging road takes you, you are right. What you have already posted helps many. Sounds as if you will figure it all out when the time is right, and I wish you all the best no matter what you decide to do with your blogging :)