Anxiety in Creative Business: Tara Swiger and Encouragement that You Can Move Forward

This podcast on Depression and Anxiety in Creative Business from Tara Swiger caught my attention, and I wanted to write about it. Tara also sent this introduction to a follow up webinar:

Studies show that 1 in 5 adults deal with mental health issues at least once in their life.

And yet, there's so much shame and stigma about talking about this.And still, in the last few months dozens of students and friends have told me about their depression, anxiety, or struggles with their kids health.
I understand not everyone is called to talk about their experience publicly...but when we ALL stay quiet, the stigma grows strength. So today on the podcast, I'm getting honest.
You’re not alone in this.
You are NOT alone in struggling with this. And as I share, I want you to remember – whatever you’re struggling with, not only are you not alone, but you can also move forward WITH IT. Exactly as you are. People are doing it. You don’t have to be different, better, or “more together” to make a business thrive.

I have a creative business, and when I have anxiety, sometimes I come to a halt in the belief that I can't move forward WITH IT.  But the truth is I started creating art in the depths of my anxiety, and went on to start my Etsy shop in 2007 just a few months after I began Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy for my OCD.  The Exposure for me was to create the shop without knowing if it was "perfect" or the right photos, or the right descriptions, or whether anyone would ever want to buy anything. 

Tara describes how reading about intolerance of uncertainty resonated with her when thinking about her own anxiety, and this is a key theme of mine as well.  All those What If questions, the desire to know how things will turn out before they happen.

Struggling with manually creating Wordpress website for my business was the next step to realize I was compulsively researching how to do it, when in fact, I needed something simpler, and the anxiety of letting go of the idea that I needed to know how to do things before I knew how to do them.  

A turning point was at a craft show, when a woman spent a long time checking each of my items for the most "perfect" one.  The piece that the craft show customer liked the best wasn't the most flawless in her eyes, so she told me she was choosing another one that had no visible defect.  Talking with my ERP therapist, I recognized myself in this woman.  Shopping for anything would drag on because I couldn't decide if a "flaw" would mesmerize me forever or eventually fade, and I would get angry at myself for latching onto such tiny things.  

It was huge to know I was making imperfect art, but that I wanted to do it anyway.  That I did not want to walk away from something I truly loved, because it was flawed.  I now work full time in my creative business, and yes, when anxiety flares up it is difficult, but part of the difficulty is in believing that I must entirely banish the anxiety to accomplish anything, and that it is a sign that I am a "bad person" if I feel anxious. The underlying premise of Exposure Therapy is that you can move forward through the anxiety, that it is possible, and for this encouragement, I am grateful. 

 

Online Survey on Beliefs about OCD Treatment is Still Looking for Participants

Online Survey of Beliefs about OCD Treatment
Please help Jenna Feldman with a research survey about OCD treatment and enter a raffle for a $50 giftcard!

She is a graduate student working toward her doctorate in Clinical Psychology at Yeshiva University, and collaborating on a research project about OCD.  If you are an adult age >18) please participate in the online survey about your beliefs about treatments that exist for OCD.  The survey should take around 40 minutes to complete.  The study was reviewed and approved by the Institutional Review Board at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine.

If you elect to participate you will be entered into a raffle for a $50 giftcard!  We are now about a quarter-way done with our data collection, and have already awarded one $50 giftcard to a participant.  However, we still have three remaining giftcards to give out, so please consider filling out our survey. We really appreciate your help!

To learn more about the study please follow the link below:

https://yeshiva.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_6GxEWgbMJcx1ZaJ
Thank you for participating!

Participate in an Online Survey of Beliefs about OCD Treatment

Online Survey of Beliefs about OCD Treatment

Jenna Feldman, graduate student working toward her doctorate in Clinical Psychology at Yeshiva University, is collaborating on a research project about OCD. She is looking for (adults over age 18) who would be interested in participating in an online survey about your beliefs about treatments that exist for OCD.  The survey should take around 40 minutes to complete.  If you elect to participate you will be entered into a raffle for one of four $50 gift cards.  To learn more about the study please follow the link below:

https://yeshiva.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_6GxEWgbMJcx1ZaJ

Though Your Hands May Tremble: Dr. Claire Weekes and Peace from Nervous Suffering

Discovering the Anxiety Coaches Podcast led me to rediscovering Dr. Claire Weekes(1903-1990), the pioneering Australian physician who wrote about how to float through anxiety in the 1960's. When I was in the depths of anxiety, I found a book by Claire Weekes at the library.

I recognized a kindred spirit right away.  She had suffered with anxiety(or as she puts it "nervous illness"), and knew how disruptive and painful it can be.  Dr. Weekes is clear that we are not alone in suffering anxiety, and we are not fundamentally broken or flawed.

Listen to her voice in the video below.  Though it reminded me of old movies in tone, it did not subtract to her thorough understanding of the panic cycle which feeds on "what if."


Claire Weekes Biography

Two Pieces of Peace from Nervous Suffering by Summer Beretsky

The Anxiety Coaches Podcast

I discovered The Anxiety Coaches Podcast last year, but in true avoidance style, only listened to one episode.  This month I started listening regularly, and am reminded again that I fall into avoidance when I am anxious.  My anxiety is highest when I wake up, and my well practiced habit is to stay in bed, get on the internet or become critical of myself for not doing enough.

OCD is an anxiety disorder, and it has been helpful to listen to Kevin and Kelli talk about the symptoms of anxiety, reminding me that I don't have to believe the sense of urgency some of these symptoms bring with them.  The Anxiety Coaches talk about their own anxiety ~ panic, PTSD, generalized anxiety ~ and although the focus is not about OCD, there is much to be learned about the common elements of different manifestations of anxiety.

The Anxiety Coaches also have an Anxiety Card project:

We would love for you to anonymously contribute your anxiety story to a group art project. You may tell the story of how your anxiety started, what triggered it, a major impact it has had on your life, or anything else you think is important.

WHY?

When it comes to anxiety relief, one of the most important factors is validation...knowing you are NOT ALONE. If we all share our stories we can reach some of the millions of people out there that are suffering in silence and too ashamed of what they are going through. They deserve to know that they're not weird, they're not crazy, they in fact are going through things many of use have gone through. Let's all stand together to fight the stigma of anxiety disorders!

Check out The Anxiety Coaches Podcast.

Five Years of Exposing OCD

Dream by Nutmeg Designs

The other night I had a dream that I was filling out a survey and the man across the table said he couldn't do it, that he was overwhelmed with deciding what to answer.  I leaned over and suggested that he guess.  Immediately, I realized that this would sound "easier said than done," and I made the decision to tell him that I knew it was difficult when obsessing to guess.  

I felt both anxious that I was telling him I knew what it was like to have OCD, and relieved.  I woke up with still imbued with both feelings.

When I started this blog in 2010, it was an exposure to the anxiety that I would write the wrong thing. I guessed what to say.  It sounds odd to say I guessed, but that's what it felt like, because anything less than perfection felt incredibly unmoored and tentative.  The community of readers, and other bloggers was sustaining when I struggled with pervasiveness of my OCD.  There is power in being able to articulate an experience, and strength in finding others who resonate with that experience.

I wrote this blog anonymously, because I couldn't imagine writing it any other way.  Lately, I haven't been writing the blog at all.  I am not sure where this blog is headed, but I know that the archives continue to speak to readers, and I am glad to be able to offer those as a trail marker.

I have been percolating about how my blog connects with the rest of my life, without the urgency of obsessive figuring out.  This feels both odd and good.

The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD: Just Right OCD

I was glad to see a chapter on this form of obsession of doing things "just right, " also known as symmetry OCD, organizational OCD, and perfectionism OCD.  The authors get the fact that the opposite of "just right" feeling is "feeling dead wrong," which has emotional intensity.

The one compulsion that resonated the most with me was:

• Checking to see see if things appear as you feel they should(for example, reviewing the placement of two pillows on a bed to make sure they are in the perfect position.)

When my health anxiety would be active, I would check whatever symptom I had against the opposite side of the body.  This summer I had a feeling of a something stuck in my throat, and my urge was to keep checking to see if my tonsils were parallel, and then feeling ashamed that I looked in the mirror, and berating myself for my vigilance.  

An Acceptance tool for Just Right OCD is allowing the "off" feeling to be there, noticing the body sensations, and carrying it with you "on your way to doing something greater than your compulsive fixing."  

An Assessment tool for Just Right OCD is dealing with all or nothing thinking.  When I used to sew for Home Ec class, I would become so fixated on any small asymmetry of top stitching, and therefore the whole garment was "ruined," even though other people would have a different frame of reference, and not even notice the stitches, but rather overall shape of the garment.  Ironically, I won an award for excellence in Home Economics in 9th grade, even as I was convinced any flaw meant I was incompetent.

Taking Action for Just Right OCD includes recognizing that focusing on perfection can mean a tiny trigger can feel as disturbing as something more obviously huge, so setting up a hierarchy of exposures can seem impossible.  

It's important to get in there and take any opportunity to let things feel "off" rather than trying to fix it.   Trying to decide if I had a hierarchy of exposures "just right" could take up all my time and it helped that my ERP therapist understood this and encouraged me to practice tolerating the thought that I might do my exposures wrong.