Script for Weekends/Free Time, 5/12/07
What if I should be doing something else? What if I choose the wrong task to do first? What if this anxious feeling in my chest doesn't go away? What if no matter what I do, I have this dread on weekends and during free time? OCD tells me I must make the right choice or I will be filled with regret. I will not see the fruition of any of my dreams--to be an artist, have a business, to enjoy my life with my husband. OCD demands I follow a rulebook in order to get what I want, but the rule it has for is "Obey me." If I enjoy my day OCD says, "You're not doing anything important, you need to save the world, people are suffering." If I don't enjoy things, OCD says, "YOu are a bad person since you can't enjoy the privileges of your life. You are a complete f---up." In order to get better, I will have to accept the risk that I'll make wrong decisions, because there is no rulebook. No human being knows all the ramifications of each and every decision, and I need to practice moving through my day under my own power, even if it means I have less enjoyment than I would if I wasn't anxious. OCD is stealing my life, and stunts my dreams. I may be spoiled, ungrateful, privileged. I may be incapable of sustained pleasure and achievement, but my behaviors do not determine my worth as a human being.