Thursday, March 18, 2010

OCD Never Keeps a Deal

Let's Make a Deal!
My hemoglobin was low, and my doctor sent me for another blood test and gave me a home test for blood in my stool, saying, "You are too young for these, but I don't want to worry or have you worry." She said it was probably due to my period. I asked her what the test involved, and she said "It couldn't be simpler." OCD was all over this in a flash.
What if I do the test and it starts a spiral of diagnostic testing? If I am too young, why is she giving me this? What if I do the test wrong? I have to wait until 3 days after my period, but I spot a lot. The disclaimer says that bleeding may not happen all the time, so I have to take two samples. What if I pick the wrong days?
It couldn't be simpler. Not with OCD. Fortunately, I don't have the specter of contamination fears as well, but the health anxiety was up to full volume. I decided to get the blood test first before doing the home test, then if it was normal, maybe I could put off the test. But no. My hemoglobin dropped again, and my doctor asked if I'd done the test, and I said no. She said something about urgent, and gastro workup, and it totally made me like a deer in headlights. When I talk to doctors I have trouble thinking clearly, and my mind goes blank. The OCD wants to get in there and "fix" things, and this doesn't usually bode well.

I did the damn test, and now I'm waiting for the results. I saw Leonard yesterday, and he said that OCD wants certainty and claims it will then leave me alone.
But certainty is not a real choice.
OCD is one-minded and will take over my life, and restricts my ability to think. Leonard says that OCD is what makes the anxiety of waiting intolerable. No one likes waiting for test results, but OCD makes it worse, with constantly trying to figure it out, retracing my actions, freezing and not living my life. He left me with this idea, which I struggle with, but also is hopeful:
I can be ok even when uncertain.
Related Post:
Seeking Reassurance

1 comment:

  1. Ooh, waiting is hard with OCD, that's for sure. Good luck with both the waiting and the results.